Comic Book Lady

This is Comic Book Guy from The Simsons. Most of you know what this person is like. But for the 2 people who have lived in a cave, on Mars, with their eyes closed shut, and their fingers in their ears for the last 20 years, here is a short description: he is a fat, sarcastic nerdy owner of a comic book shop (Click on the link above for a more in-depth description). Although a fictional character from the town of Springfield, his real-life female equivalent can be found right here in Utah.

This week I went to the Utah Arts Festival.
A breeding ground for hippies, and artsy-fartsy losers, to find validation in this Red State. Within the grounds of this Feast of Idiots lies the Salt Lake City Library, home of Night Flight Comics.
In the early 1990's Night Flight was located on the second floor of Cottonwood Mall. That is where I first met Comic Book Lady.Inspired by Jabba the Hutt, she has run her shop with an un-trusting eye. Everyone who enters the store must pass her Gammorean Guards. They also must seek an audience with the "Mighty Jabba" and state their intentions, before they can wander the store. If you aren't going to buy anything you must leave. The following is the experience I had in her store. In script form:

INT: COMIC BOOK STORE - DAY

Comic Book Lady is behind the Counter sitting on a stool. She is positioned above a trap door that leads to the Rancor pit. Dallas enters, and notices a fridge with drinks inside. He sees a can of Duff Energy Drink.

DALLAS (V.O.)
Wow! This is cool I should get a picture of it.

Dallas opens the fridge and takes the can out, he shuts the door. Comic Book Lady scoots off her stool and approaches Dallas.

COMIC BOOK LADY
What can I help you find today?

DALLAS

Oh, nothing.

COMIC BOOK LADY

In that case can I ask you NOT to open and close the fridge like that. It's hard to keep things cool as it is.

DALLAS
I'm just going to take a picture of this and then I'll be on my way.

Dallas takes a picture and leaves the store.

As I left I thought to myself. Why is she so protective? Doesn't she know that she works at a Comic Book Store? Comic books and other comic related products are cool and all, but they're comic books. They are not national security documents! Or a secret map to the Fountain of Youth. They are comic books, badly drawn stories about what would happen if SHE-HULK met Charlemagne. Doesn't she know that her life, her job, her entire existence is meaningless? Well not meaningless, she can always stand as an example of what NOT to strive for. (For more info on the Comic Book Lady, and the comic experience in Utah, please read Mark's June 25, 2007 post.)

I need to find a job.