Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I've Met My Quota

As far as stereotypes go, men are supposed to love professional sports. This generality has created fodder for sitcoms and standup comics for decades. But because I don’t care much for professional sports, I had to find some other way to fulfill the stereotype. Thankfully, in 1992, I discovered the Olympic Games. Every two years since then, some primal instinct awakes in me and I revel in true sport. For those three weeks you can find me firmly planted on the couch, finding truth in all those quips I used to see on TGIF. This past Olympiad was no exception and I’m glad to say that I have filled my “sports quota,” at least until Vancouver.

Cold Cuts

Ever since man has been able to harness the power of fire, there is no reason why meat should ever be cold. 

Attention Panhandlers:

If you ask for money to pay your bus fare, don't do it in front of the liquor store (people might question your motives).

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Slurpee Season

As the temperature rises and the dry heat of Utah enters your lungs, your parched throat aches for relief. For me relief comes in a slender cup, topped with a domed lid--A SLURPEE.

For me Slurpees are an institution of summer, and this summer will be no exception. I have had 4 in as many days. Thankfully for me, I have always been within walking distance of a “Sev.” I’ve had more Slurpees than I can count and it is my second favorite treat after Root Beer Floats (If anyone really wants to impress me, don’t make brownies or a cake, just drop off some vanilla ice cream and some quality root beer and I will praise your name).

I have thought a lot about Slurpees, their flavors, and how to enjoy them. I have taken these thoughts and applied them in a Slurpee Method.

Cup Selection
When it comes to Slurpees you have to know how much you can handle, and how long it’ll take you to drink it. It is a time sensitive drink. If you don’t drink it fast enough, it melts and if you drink it too fast, you will suffer a Sphenopalatineganglioneuralgia (sfee-noh-pal-uh-teen-gan-glee-oh-new-ral-juh). Commonly known as a BrainFreeze.

You should always put the lid on first before filling your Slurpee cup. The self-serve Slurpee machines have been known to eject the slush quickly causing backsplash or an unwanted eruption. The dome lid has a hole that fits perfectly around the spout protecting you from such mishaps.

Flavor Selection
Another mistake I observe people making when they get a Slurpee is they find the flavor that they want and start to fill their cup, only to be disappointed when their cup fills with syrup rather than Slurpee. There are steps to take to avoid this.

1.) Make a visual inspection of the beverage through the convenient window. There you will see your Slurpee dancing like a sock in a dryer. If it looks like liquid then it probably is.

2.) There are also lights on the side of the machine indicating which spouts are ready to be used. So before you pick your flavor check the lights and make sure it is done.

When you have found a flavor that you like, don't pull the lever all the way from right to left. If you do pull it all the way you open the flood gates and your cup will fill, not only with Slurpee, but with a lot of syrup. The best method is to find the "sweet spot" somewhere in the middle where you let in Slurpee but not a lot of liquid. After you fill it up a lil wait about 20 seconds and then tap the cup on the counter or against your hand. This will release any trapped air giving you more room to add more Slurpee.

Straw Selection
There are two lengths of Slurpee straws-- short and long. These straws also come in a variety of colors. When selecting a straw choose one what will fit with your cup size. I also like to choose straws that will complement the color of my cup. When you open your straw you will notice that one end of the straw has been cut and formed to be a spoon. The natural instinct is to put this end into the beverage first and to drink out of the traditional end. When you get your next Slurpee I suggest that you reverse that procedure and insert the traditional end first and drink out of the spoon end.

When you do you will notice that the the beverage doesn’t just go streaming down your throat, rather the spoon will disperse, or fan, the Slurpee onto your tongue giving you a full flavor sensation. With the traditional end down you will also find it easer to suck up the little bit of Slurpee that always sticks to the bottom of the cup.

Finally, pay for it and enjoy.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

The Wii—It’s All In Your Head

We have a Nintendo Wii at my house. If you haven’t played a Wii then WAKE UP—It’s 2008! For those who don’t know, the Wii is a video game console that incorporates interactivity in a fantastic new way. Instead of using buttons and joysticks to control the game, you actually move and shake the controller. In Wii Bowling, for example, you hold the controller in your hand, and then you motion with the controller just as you would if your were really bowling. It is so easy and intuitive that even the older generation is getting into it.

It is a lot of fun, but it can also shatter your confidence.

I am a Pro Bowler on Wii bowling. On average I score about 250 points per game (a perfect game is 300 points so...yeah). I was amazed by my new ability, until I went to FatCats. I strutted into the alley with confidence. I was sure that the hours if mimicking the movements of a professional bowler would pay off. I was confident that my Wii skills would transfer into a real-life situation. I was wrong. After three games my highest score was 112 points. I was shocked! I quickly went home and bowled on the Wii and scored my highest score ever. I couldn’t understand it. I then came to the conclusion that it was all in my head. The Wii won’t teach you any skills that you can use in real life. At least that's true for bowling. I’m still pretty sure that I can play the guitar though.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Stop giving money to these people!

QUESTION: Why do they continue to let morons make movies?
ANSWER: money. You people keep giving them money so they make more. It is your fault.
SOLUTION: Stop funding them and they’ll stop making them. It’s that simple!